(this was written yesterday)
Today has been sort of a black day for me.....it was a year ago that J and I became a couple and I've spent the day sort of mourning the loss of it. Thursday night I went over to his place and we had a talk that ended with us breaking up...again. I am still not convinced that we are doomed forever, but I had to accept that he can't give me what I need, at least not now, and the only thing I was accomplishing by hanging on was to hurt the both of us. So, I let him go, even though a little (or not so little) part of me is wishing that he won't take too long to realize that he made a mistake. (I saw a falling star last night. Do those really work?)
After the BIG BREAKUP of my high school romance (9 years), I told myself I would NEVER, NEVER settle like I think my Mom did. That even though grand passions don't last forever, I thought that I could find a lasting relationship that at least started out that way. And though this may not be THE one, it was one that taught me lots about what I expect from any relationship that does stick.
1. The sex will be AMAZING! (hunny, I've settled for ho-hum before, never again!)
2. We will have fun
3. He will think I am an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, strong woman (cuz I am)
4. He will be my very best friend to whom I can tell anything
5. We will share enough interests to enjoy doing things together, but not so many that we have nothing to teach each other

There's some more for the list, I'm sure, but they seem to be hiding out in the nether regions of my brain for the moment. Anyway, you get the point. There are a lot of compromises I am willing to make, but these aren't them.

Just a note...for some reason I have had all kinds of trouble with msn spaces and the firefox browser I have on my mac at work... I'm using safari for the moment and it seems to work fine...weird. For any who have read my blog, you know that the boyfriend and I briefly broke up and are now in this sort of cooling period where we are supposed to work on our individual problems so that we can get back together and have a future. That was the plan anyway... it hasn't been going very well. It used to worry me that we went nearly a year without having a fight about anything worse than who used the last of the toilet paper...not anymore. Since we started this cooling off period we have been on this up and down thing where we are really happy one minute and I think we are going to make it.. then the next we are fighting about something completely stupid and sniping at each other....arrg! We are currently in a fight because...well I'm not sure really, but I'm giving him a couple of days and then we are going to have a sit-down if I have to show up at his house unannounced in order to do it. We tried his plan and it's not working so I am going to introduce a new one. I don't think he's really working on his issues like he said he wanted to, I think he's avoiding them, so we either need to work together on them or we need to break up...as much as I hate the idea, I'm tired of being miserable, I don't want to do it anymore. Something has to change.

note: this list may be added to periodically

I am 29
but people rarely believe me when I tell them
and then tell me I should feel lucky
I haven't yet
my skin tans really easily
My great-great grandmother was Cherokee
the only other thing I know about her is that we have the same cheekbones
I moved out of my parents' home when I was 19, I've spent the last ten years looking for a new one
I haven't found it yet
though I may be getting close
It takes a long time for me to consider someone my friend
I have a lot of aquaintances and very few friends
that's kind of sad, but I don't know any other way
my 30th birthday is just over a month away
I haven't decided if I will celebrate it or not
I know that it's just a number, but sometimes it feels like a failure
I have less than a year left of school
which sometimes makes me feel really proud and other times terrifies me
I have this absurd fear of seeing other people embarrassed
even fictional people
I often hide my eyes during movies or tv shows when people are embarrassed
My friend, Sarah, finds this endlessly amusing
I love Mountain Dew
and hate coffee
those two things aren't necessarily related anywhere else but in my mind
I'm a sugar junky
but don't really like candy
chocolate doesn't even do it for me
I really dislike chocolate cake, but I don't know why
I love to cook
but hate to do dishes
give me laundry to do any day
I asked for a dishwasher for Christmas this year
It doesn't make me any more likely to do dishes, but when I do, it's at least easier
I enjoy learning all kinds of things
though I tend to only retain things that are generally useless
which makes me good at trivia

I'm not sure how to explain the state of my relationship with the boyfriend. I 've debated for several days saying anything at all for fear that I can't adequately express in words how we feel right now. I guess I really should start with some back story.

I have a great family. I haven't always appreciated them, but I love them and I know that they love me. But, in my family, I'm sort of an oddity. I've never really felt like I fit in and it isn't unusual to see expressions of confusion cast my direction, it's certainly possible to love someone and not understand them. I'll never be able to move back home and live that lifestyle, that is one of the few things about me that my mom understands. The one thing I've been searching for is that feeling of belonging with another person, the feeling that you get when someone really sees you, maybe even more of you than you can see in yourself. I didn't always know what I was looking for, and I screwed up more often than not. But, I finally got to a place where I felt that I knew enough about myself to really find that place or person that wouldn't necessarily make my life complete or whole, but a little more meaningful, I guess.

I had been going through a sad place at the beginning of last year, if I don't keep myself busy, winter often breaks me, there's just something about being cold all the time that makes me want to cry. My friends and family were being very supportive while they waited for me to get out of my funk and come back to normal. (Well, for me anyway.) It was the beginning of March 2006 and my friend Sarah had convinced me to get dressed up and go to a comedy club with her. I was wearing this coral pink dress that with the right bra displays lots of cleavage and I was starting to feel good about life again. After the comedy show, we went to Denny's to chat and possibly eat. I was bitching about red roses and how I thought they were completely unoriginal and I would seriously consider breaking up with a guy who gave me some and she was starting to get pissy, because she really likes red roses, so we were just argueing good-naturedly back and forth about it. Little did I know, on the other side of the room there was a conversation going on about me. Seated in one of the booths were two guys dicussing whether I was single and if I would possibly go out with one of them. The friend with the girlfriend spent 45 minutes trying to convince this ex-military college student that it couldn't possibly hurt to go across the room and talk to me. One of them finally hit on the brilliant idea to ask the waitress to find out if I was seeing anyone and that's how I met J. He had curly black hair and pretty green eyes and tattoos covering his arms from top to bottom. I'd never dated anyone who looked even remotely dangerous, but I had recently come to the conclusion that I needed to look for something else from potential dates. He had an interesting face, kind eyes, and he mentioned his mother at our first meeting in a positive way. He invited me to meet him and some of his friends at a local bar for a drink the next night and I agreed. We exchanged phone numbers and I thought well, this could be interesting. I had a plan just in case he turned out to be a weirdo or psycho. My friend Sarah called me 45 minutes into the date and if I needed to leave I could pretend it was an emergency and take off. Instead, I answered the phone, told her I was at the bar and that we were having a great time. He never had a clue. :) We talked for a couple of hours about everything we could think of and he told me embarrassing stories about himself that no sane person would ever tell on a first date. Rather than being freaked out, I found it charming and refreshing that he could be so utterly honest.

I could go on, and tell you about a week later when we kissed for the first time when I was incredibly drunk, (We really didn't spend that much time in a bar, I swear) but suffice it to say, it was an interesting beginning to what I thought would be my last relationship before graduating college. I was sure that we would grow tired of each other or grow apart before time was up and that it would be another learning experience to look back on that would teach me things about myself or the world. A few months in, I was starting to get worried that I was feeling too much and I couldn't get a read on whether he was interested in something more than this casual thing we had going, but I had decided to just go with the flow and ask questions later. We went on seperate vacations and two weeks later, I arrived back home to see him before getting some sleep. Imagine my surprise when he blurted out that he loved me. I was so surprised, in fact, that my first response was, "Really?" LOL
I did, after a few seconds, recover and told him that I returned his feelings. We have sort of felt our way along, ever since. Neither one of us knew where we were going, we just tried to hang on to each other for the ride.

When he told me that his career choice was going to prevent us from being together, so we should just get it over with and break up, I was completely shocked. We said nasty things to each other and probably thought things that were even worse. What I didn't know was that he was thinking about marriage and had almost proposed, which caused him to freak out about the future and ultimately landed us in this mess.

We got together to talk last weekend and after loads of discussion and confessions on his part, we have worked out some sort of compromise. We aren't back together, but we're not broken up. We are taking a step back from the relationship to work through the issues that could prevent us from having a future together (mostly his, but I've got baggage too). We talk nearly every day and we plan to get back together in a few weeks and really make a go of it. We've finally admitted to each other that what we really want is each other and we are determined to make that work. My life is suddenly more complicated, but I'm living with more hope than I've had for a long time. I don't know if any of this can really make sense to anyone not involved, but it's my life and I'm sharing it.

What it ultimately comes down to is this.....I can fight to keep in my life the first man to make me feel like I belong with someone, that I really connect with another human being, or, because it's hard, I can give up and pray that it doesn't take another 29 years to find it again. For me, the decision is easy.

So, it's over. I finally made him really talk to me Tuesday night and it didn't exactly go well for me. I don't really know what to think for a lot of reasons, but I do know that it's over. I've decided to think of him as my favorite mistake. Even though he loved me, it wasn't enough or he didn't know what to do with it. So, I'm sad, but I'm functioning. I've learned more about myself over the last few months and more about what I want for myself. I'm just going to concentrate on school and my career for now and worry about later.....well, later.

Sorry It's taken so long to write. For some reason, I couldn't make a new entry, but now it seems to be fixed. Unfortunately, I have to leave work, so this will have to be continued tomorrow maybe.

For those interested in my internship, here's the scoop....  I have a saturday internship, it is a fun program for the students, not for those behind or discipline problems, the program coordinators had to actually turn students away. A partner and I are in charge of our own classroom with 8 students (right now, anyway. We may end up with up to 12.) Our group are 5th graders. Each team comes up with a theme based on Grade Level Expectations and we are responsible for lesson plans in communication arts, math, science, and social studies for each of the saturdays. The theme that my partner and I chose is the American Revolution. I think we are going to have a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to getting started. The program is eight weeks long and then I will complete the rest of my hours in one of the area's educational institutions. (the zoo, science center, history museum, etc.) I will probably be working in the St. Louis Science Center, though I haven't found out for sure that it is available this semester.  http://www.slsc.org/ is the link if anyone wants to check it out. I haven't been in years, but it was a favorite attraction for my family when I was little. If anyone has an questions, feel free to ask. I'll let you know how things go.

..sucks. This past weekend, the St. Louis area received its third round of destructive storms in the last 7 months. Only around 300,000 people lost power on this go around, which is a big improvement over the more than 500,000 in december and the 600,000 in july but when you lose power for several days in below freezing weather, there's no such thing as an improvement. We were fortunate on the Illinois side this time to avoid another power outage, but there were plenty in Missouri who weren't so lucky. I won't be renting another apartment without a fireplace again. Sleeping under every blanket I own is not fun, neither is running out of clean clothes and being unable to take a shower for five days. Luckily, I had plenty of friends during the december storm who were willing to help me out.

I started the winter/spring semester with little fanfare yesterday (or sleep for that matter). The only class I'm really worried about is "teaching math in the elementary classroom". The assignments don't look too bad, but there is a lot of reading and the book hasn't arrived from amazon yet.

My first meeting for the internship is this saturday, on campus. I did find out that a guy from one of my classes last semester is also taking the same internship and we are hoping to be paired up together. The actual internship isn't supposed to start til next month, but hopefully our faculty advisor will be able to answer all our questions, cuz I have a lot of questions.

The boyfriend and I had a long chat a few days ago where we revealed how we really feel about all the people we hang out with. You know, what you really think rather than the polite, don't want to be mean, version. He had noticed that something was going on between me and my closest girlfriend, S.  So, I admitted the awful truth. I am trying to gently break off our relationship. (With her, not the boyfriend) The sad truth of the matter is that when we first became friends three years ago, we worked together in a dead end job and I had just been dumped by my boyfriend of nine years (yeah, that's right, nine). I went a little crazy for a while and regressed a bit, agewise. She was a perfect companion for that version of me that was selfish and reckless and a tiny bit wild, but I'm not that person anymore. I feel bad about pulling away but more and more often I spend time with her just to fulfill an obligation that I feel rather than for any desire to be around her. That sounds kind of harsh, I know, but I'm not sure what else to do. I'm not looking to cut her completely out of my life, just urge her to focus her energy on someone new.

Things are about to get busy again. The semester starts next week and I should be getting info on my internship in the next few days. I'm in the home stretch, internship this semester, student teaching in the fall and then graduation in december. Yay! I am eager to get started on this phase of my life, where I get real experience to prepare me for my chosen career. Though I know I can stand on my own, it's nice to know that I have the boyfriend to stand beside me and occasionally hold my hand through the hard parts.

I HAVE NEWS!!!
The boyfriend called me today. The army called him and his exemption has been approved for the year!!!! So, he is safe to graduate, then they may try to recall him again. He is still trying to decide what direction to take, he may reenlist after graduation, that is one of our options that we are still discussing. I am so relieved, I actually almost cried, it's like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. I told him that I would support him in any career choice he chose to make, and I meant it, I'm just glad that we don't have to be separated yet in such a dangerous way.

.... that commercial for the online dating service where a guy goes on a series of truly horrible first dates? Supposedly, the service is going to eliminate bad dates by "accurately" matching you with your perfect mate based on your profile. Come on, how many people accurately portray themselves on these sites? I played around with match.com a couple of years ago and it was my experience that people either don't know how to describe themselves past the superficial surface or are too afraid of what others may see if they really expose themselves. I only managed to arrange one date in this way and it was a complete bust, although I did get a request from an older gentleman who was looking for a mistress. Hee. I didn't respond, of course, but that was sort of fun. The point I'm trying to make here (I promise there is one), is that while online dating may work for some, I found it more difficult than just hanging out at Denny's, which is where I found the boyfriend.

The boyfriend calls me every night before going to bed if we haven't seen each other to catch up on the day and discuss anything that came up or plans that need to be made. Last night he was cursing me for being right. Don't worry, he'll get used to it.  :)

 Here's the story:
A girl and guy like each other, flirting ensues
Things are going well, then suddenly stall for no apparent reason
The girl claims affection for the guy "but isn't interested in dating at this time"
My Theory?
Two things could have happened:
1. guy did or said something that revealed a terrible character flaw previously unseen
2. the sex was bad
Since she hadn't said anything, I assumed it was the later and she was being nice.
Turns out I was right, I love when that happens. But....well....eww
Now that I think about it, I'm not sure why he was cursing me, maybe for planting the idea in his head in the first place. Hee. I was laughing too hard at the time to question.

I'm still working on my lists and stuff.  I'd like to add some fun movie things, mostly for myself, but also for anyone else who is interested.

I know it's been awhile, but life, as you know, keeps getting in the way. Being 29, I think, has it's own set of problems. Though I haven't really decided if I want to have children or when, I can distinctly feel that 35 deadline, when the amnio is required. I guess I need to talk to more women who have given birth over the age of 35, cause the whole thing seems very scary. I bring this up because I'm in a sort of holding pattern with my boyfriend as we both try to figure out if we can trust this relationship to last and not slap us in the face.

Another thing that I have been dealing with is his possible recall to active duty in the Army. He is fighting it, he wrote a letter to the Army asking for an exemption or at least a delay while he finishes school.  Now, I don't want you to think that he is chickening out or anything, this guy's resume includes "raids, ambushes, jumping out of airplanes and shooting people in the face" which is a direct quote. There are things that he legally can't tell me and plenty of things that I really don't want to know, like digging up dead bodies with his bare hands. He's worked really hard just to be a normal person again, we just have to wait and see if what he has already sacrificed is enough. His caseworker told him that the committee should have a decision in 1 to 2 months.
When he first found out about the recall, there was a moment of panic as I had to very quickly decide how important this relationship is to me, I decided to keep going forward and I told him that I had to finish school first, but after that, I would follow him, if that was necessary. I think he was more relieved that I wasn't ready to dump his ass at the first sign of trouble (which doesn't say much about the women he has previously had realationships with).

Which brings me to my next big worry, graduating from college. I'm still not sure what I want my future to look like. I learned the hard way in a previous realtionship that all the well laid plans for the future you have made with another person in them doesn't keep them from walking away. But at the same time, I don't want to make all the these solo plans that don't make room for someone else to stand by my side. It's finding the happy medium that I'm having trouble with. I have to figure out something by the fall so that I can start applying for jobs. Oh well, something to think on. I've gone on for a while now and need to move on to cheerier things, bye for now.