I know I've been missing for a while, but I have a good reason.  WARNING: Most of the following entry may qualify for TMI (too much information), I apologize for any offended sensibilities. (not really, you'll just have to deal)

 

Shortly after my last entry, I started bleeding (you can probably figure out from where). It lasted for two days and never got any heavier than a light day of my period. This was really strange, because it started two weeks after my last period and I'm as regular as it gets. After some research and careful calculation, I realized I could be pregnant. Okay, long story short. My sister was six weeks past her missed period before a Home Pregnancy Test showed up positive so I went to health services at school to have a blood test. My HCG level was high enough to be pregnant, but low enough to be a concern, the nurse thought it was probable that I would miscarry. Not really sure yet if I wanted to be a mother, I resolved to deal with whatever the outcome was the best I knew how. Sounds mature and adult, sure, but inside I've been a wreck of a person ever since and everything has suffered. Thank god my internship is over, though, I'm perfectly able to fake normal for short periods of time.

 

Back to the story.........on the day of my expected period, I started spotting, which could have been nothing, but didn't look good. The First Response Pregnancy tests I had taken that week both came up positive, but the blood test on friday had gone down a point rather than doubling like it is supposed to do.  So....here's what I'm left with.....two more FR preg tests were positive, I haven't had any cramping or any bleeding since the spotting two weeks ago....and I don't know what to think. My sister insists that I need to be tested again because of her freakishness but I've been putting it off, I think because I don't want to know anymore. I've become one of those women that refuses to go to the doctor because she is afraid of the answer she will get. I'm not really sure if I am afraid of a positive or a negative. One thing that I have learned from this whole experience is that if I am pregnant, I will be doing it alone. Not totally alone, of course, I have plenty of family and friend support, but J has been a disappointment in many ways.

 

To give him some credit, he has been trying to be supportive of my decisions and offered to be there if I need to talk, but it's obvious that he has no real interest in being a father. I don't know if that would change or not. I know that most guys would have difficulty with this situation at first, but let's just say that I'm not holding my breath for a miraculous turn-around.

 

I'm coping the best way I know how, but some of my plans for the immediate future may need to be altered due to the mess I have been lately. I'll keep you posted and I'll still be checking in with everyone.