(this was written yesterday)
Today has been sort of a black day for me.....it was a year ago that J and I became a couple and I've spent the day sort of mourning the loss of it. Thursday night I went over to his place and we had a talk that ended with us breaking up...again. I am still not convinced that we are doomed forever, but I had to accept that he can't give me what I need, at least not now, and the only thing I was accomplishing by hanging on was to hurt the both of us. So, I let him go, even though a little (or not so little) part of me is wishing that he won't take too long to realize that he made a mistake. (I saw a falling star last night. Do those really work?)
After the BIG BREAKUP of my high school romance (9 years), I told myself I would NEVER, NEVER settle like I think my Mom did. That even though grand passions don't last forever, I thought that I could find a lasting relationship that at least started out that way. And though this may not be THE one, it was one that taught me lots about what I expect from any relationship that does stick.
1. The sex will be AMAZING! (hunny, I've settled for ho-hum before, never again!)
2. We will have fun
3. He will think I am an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, strong woman (cuz I am)
4. He will be my very best friend to whom I can tell anything
5. We will share enough interests to enjoy doing things together, but not so many that we have nothing to teach each other

There's some more for the list, I'm sure, but they seem to be hiding out in the nether regions of my brain for the moment. Anyway, you get the point. There are a lot of compromises I am willing to make, but these aren't them.

Just a note...for some reason I have had all kinds of trouble with msn spaces and the firefox browser I have on my mac at work... I'm using safari for the moment and it seems to work fine...weird. For any who have read my blog, you know that the boyfriend and I briefly broke up and are now in this sort of cooling period where we are supposed to work on our individual problems so that we can get back together and have a future. That was the plan anyway... it hasn't been going very well. It used to worry me that we went nearly a year without having a fight about anything worse than who used the last of the toilet paper...not anymore. Since we started this cooling off period we have been on this up and down thing where we are really happy one minute and I think we are going to make it.. then the next we are fighting about something completely stupid and sniping at each other....arrg! We are currently in a fight because...well I'm not sure really, but I'm giving him a couple of days and then we are going to have a sit-down if I have to show up at his house unannounced in order to do it. We tried his plan and it's not working so I am going to introduce a new one. I don't think he's really working on his issues like he said he wanted to, I think he's avoiding them, so we either need to work together on them or we need to break up...as much as I hate the idea, I'm tired of being miserable, I don't want to do it anymore. Something has to change.

note: this list may be added to periodically

I am 29
but people rarely believe me when I tell them
and then tell me I should feel lucky
I haven't yet
my skin tans really easily
My great-great grandmother was Cherokee
the only other thing I know about her is that we have the same cheekbones
I moved out of my parents' home when I was 19, I've spent the last ten years looking for a new one
I haven't found it yet
though I may be getting close
It takes a long time for me to consider someone my friend
I have a lot of aquaintances and very few friends
that's kind of sad, but I don't know any other way
my 30th birthday is just over a month away
I haven't decided if I will celebrate it or not
I know that it's just a number, but sometimes it feels like a failure
I have less than a year left of school
which sometimes makes me feel really proud and other times terrifies me
I have this absurd fear of seeing other people embarrassed
even fictional people
I often hide my eyes during movies or tv shows when people are embarrassed
My friend, Sarah, finds this endlessly amusing
I love Mountain Dew
and hate coffee
those two things aren't necessarily related anywhere else but in my mind
I'm a sugar junky
but don't really like candy
chocolate doesn't even do it for me
I really dislike chocolate cake, but I don't know why
I love to cook
but hate to do dishes
give me laundry to do any day
I asked for a dishwasher for Christmas this year
It doesn't make me any more likely to do dishes, but when I do, it's at least easier
I enjoy learning all kinds of things
though I tend to only retain things that are generally useless
which makes me good at trivia