I'm not sure how to explain the state of my relationship with the boyfriend. I 've debated for several days saying anything at all for fear that I can't adequately express in words how we feel right now. I guess I really should start with some back story.

I have a great family. I haven't always appreciated them, but I love them and I know that they love me. But, in my family, I'm sort of an oddity. I've never really felt like I fit in and it isn't unusual to see expressions of confusion cast my direction, it's certainly possible to love someone and not understand them. I'll never be able to move back home and live that lifestyle, that is one of the few things about me that my mom understands. The one thing I've been searching for is that feeling of belonging with another person, the feeling that you get when someone really sees you, maybe even more of you than you can see in yourself. I didn't always know what I was looking for, and I screwed up more often than not. But, I finally got to a place where I felt that I knew enough about myself to really find that place or person that wouldn't necessarily make my life complete or whole, but a little more meaningful, I guess.

I had been going through a sad place at the beginning of last year, if I don't keep myself busy, winter often breaks me, there's just something about being cold all the time that makes me want to cry. My friends and family were being very supportive while they waited for me to get out of my funk and come back to normal. (Well, for me anyway.) It was the beginning of March 2006 and my friend Sarah had convinced me to get dressed up and go to a comedy club with her. I was wearing this coral pink dress that with the right bra displays lots of cleavage and I was starting to feel good about life again. After the comedy show, we went to Denny's to chat and possibly eat. I was bitching about red roses and how I thought they were completely unoriginal and I would seriously consider breaking up with a guy who gave me some and she was starting to get pissy, because she really likes red roses, so we were just argueing good-naturedly back and forth about it. Little did I know, on the other side of the room there was a conversation going on about me. Seated in one of the booths were two guys dicussing whether I was single and if I would possibly go out with one of them. The friend with the girlfriend spent 45 minutes trying to convince this ex-military college student that it couldn't possibly hurt to go across the room and talk to me. One of them finally hit on the brilliant idea to ask the waitress to find out if I was seeing anyone and that's how I met J. He had curly black hair and pretty green eyes and tattoos covering his arms from top to bottom. I'd never dated anyone who looked even remotely dangerous, but I had recently come to the conclusion that I needed to look for something else from potential dates. He had an interesting face, kind eyes, and he mentioned his mother at our first meeting in a positive way. He invited me to meet him and some of his friends at a local bar for a drink the next night and I agreed. We exchanged phone numbers and I thought well, this could be interesting. I had a plan just in case he turned out to be a weirdo or psycho. My friend Sarah called me 45 minutes into the date and if I needed to leave I could pretend it was an emergency and take off. Instead, I answered the phone, told her I was at the bar and that we were having a great time. He never had a clue. :) We talked for a couple of hours about everything we could think of and he told me embarrassing stories about himself that no sane person would ever tell on a first date. Rather than being freaked out, I found it charming and refreshing that he could be so utterly honest.

I could go on, and tell you about a week later when we kissed for the first time when I was incredibly drunk, (We really didn't spend that much time in a bar, I swear) but suffice it to say, it was an interesting beginning to what I thought would be my last relationship before graduating college. I was sure that we would grow tired of each other or grow apart before time was up and that it would be another learning experience to look back on that would teach me things about myself or the world. A few months in, I was starting to get worried that I was feeling too much and I couldn't get a read on whether he was interested in something more than this casual thing we had going, but I had decided to just go with the flow and ask questions later. We went on seperate vacations and two weeks later, I arrived back home to see him before getting some sleep. Imagine my surprise when he blurted out that he loved me. I was so surprised, in fact, that my first response was, "Really?" LOL
I did, after a few seconds, recover and told him that I returned his feelings. We have sort of felt our way along, ever since. Neither one of us knew where we were going, we just tried to hang on to each other for the ride.

When he told me that his career choice was going to prevent us from being together, so we should just get it over with and break up, I was completely shocked. We said nasty things to each other and probably thought things that were even worse. What I didn't know was that he was thinking about marriage and had almost proposed, which caused him to freak out about the future and ultimately landed us in this mess.

We got together to talk last weekend and after loads of discussion and confessions on his part, we have worked out some sort of compromise. We aren't back together, but we're not broken up. We are taking a step back from the relationship to work through the issues that could prevent us from having a future together (mostly his, but I've got baggage too). We talk nearly every day and we plan to get back together in a few weeks and really make a go of it. We've finally admitted to each other that what we really want is each other and we are determined to make that work. My life is suddenly more complicated, but I'm living with more hope than I've had for a long time. I don't know if any of this can really make sense to anyone not involved, but it's my life and I'm sharing it.

What it ultimately comes down to is this.....I can fight to keep in my life the first man to make me feel like I belong with someone, that I really connect with another human being, or, because it's hard, I can give up and pray that it doesn't take another 29 years to find it again. For me, the decision is easy.

So, it's over. I finally made him really talk to me Tuesday night and it didn't exactly go well for me. I don't really know what to think for a lot of reasons, but I do know that it's over. I've decided to think of him as my favorite mistake. Even though he loved me, it wasn't enough or he didn't know what to do with it. So, I'm sad, but I'm functioning. I've learned more about myself over the last few months and more about what I want for myself. I'm just going to concentrate on school and my career for now and worry about later.....well, later.